Just not sure anymore

I'm just not sure anymore on anything really.

Hey blog it's been 4 months since we last talked. I know I'm horrible as this like most things I find an interest in.

I have so many things I would love to do. Draw, paint, makeup, dolls, computer, clothes and more. Yet every time I try to at least keep up with it...I can't or won't. It's annoying as fuck...

Let's put it this way. I'll want to do my makeup in the morning or before work. I'll have plenty of time and I've done it once before but in my head I think 'no I'll do it another day or I don't have time for that right now or It's much for right now'

What the hell?! No it's not I have time do it!

Or with my art, procrastination is huge and I fucking hate it but the minute I sit down and try to work at it...nothing.

I'm so tired of it... but again it just happens at times I can't control. Just wish I could get the motivation I need or something.

Things are going good for once (short of)

So far so good right? Thing have been rough but I finally found one of my calling in life. AND the person that makes me the happiest. On the flip side of that my other halves mother is OH so fun. Right now we are living with her cause it's just easier but she is not all that... welcoming at time and she drives both of us insane. She has good intentions but the way she goes about it is not the best and it just gets old after awhile. Least she understands that I can pay her and I will pay on time, haven't had a bad habit of that yet. Unless a lot of stress is on me and it slips my mind but that is rare. My job is still good, but now I am thinking of working on commissions at least for some extra cash and selling make up on the side too but it depends on this week and how things work out and all. Also got my loan settled so I can pay on that as I go... sadly it will be a long ass time til I can get it paid off but better than nothing right? Really things are going better than I expected besides my other halves mother.... I'm content. My anxiety is still bad at time though and it can be overwhelming but I've been dealing with that for a long time so I'll be alright. -Keno

Feeling worthless and not worthy of anything

It's come to my attention lately that I have felt this in the pit of my heart that I don't live up to my own expectations. It's unsettling. But I can't seem to get out of the funk of feeling just sorry for myself. Example of today. My boss asked me if I could come in today. I like my boss I think her and I are cool. BUT I was just not feeling it today also my stomach is a bit on the upset side so I just told her I can not my stomach is acting up. All she text me back was "Fine". Like she was just kind of done with me. BUT I try to remember that it's just text, I don't know how she was actually feeling on the other side of the phone. It makes me think to much though on this. Well what if I came in would I feel better, also extra hours but I didn't feel like it and I shouldn't feel bad for saying no. My boyfriend says it's cause I care to much. and it's definitely not that I don't want to care it's just I want to ... I guess keep the peace. It's hard sometimes though... but I try to remember that I can't please everyone and I have to start focusing on myself really. If I'm not happy what is that point. I guess back to the point of I suffer from depression and it's killing me from the inside out. I'm stressed all the time and no wonder my stomach is acting up. I just want to get out of it so bad. I can't live like this. It's horrible.... -Keno (I would add more but i'm just not feeling it...)