Rant [Short]

I wish I could draw again. Having this carpal tunnel is not fun. I don't enjoy it of course. But there is nothing I can do at the moment for it. Sure if I had insurance I could but I live in America, i can barely afford rent. 'Well egt a better job." "Do something about then." Don't think I have tried? My better job turned out not to be all that great something I didn't see myself doing for the rest of my life. AND filling out applications all the time HOPING for a chance to find another, feels like a waste. I know how the hiring works now a days and it is not the same. "Well just go to the doctor and pay for it later." Yes, and be in more debt then I am now and never be able to get out of it. My children's children will somehow get all the bull shit I have been through. I don't like the idea of 'Just do it.' When you do it and get no where. I know I need to keep pushing I know something is just around the corner for me, but telling me to keep going it not your place. The one thing that kept me going is the one thing I can't do anymore. That is my struggle. And I don't like it. Being in pain is not something I want or wanted... I just want to draw again. That's all I want.

Fine wanna play that game.

I hate my so called friend of 8years...  He's selfish, egotistical and is only out for himself. He's poison to me and I'm done. Minute the lease is up Im out ans i don't care what happens to him after that cause i need to move on in my life.

Dealing With It....Least Trying Too

I'm not sure what it is lately but I have come to the conclusion that I will never win. Anything. Things in my life, this depression... nothing. Funny thing is I know what i need to do... it's just trying to do it is the hard part. I'll give an example, last night after my damn car broke down and my fiance and I left it at it's final destination cause honestly I am done fighting with it. (Took my plate and paper work) walked home for 2 miles, and then needed to get somethings done at the house. (Laundry, cleaning etc.) I was about to start up my laundry when it hit me. I realized it hit me but I couldn't even stop it. I tried my best to start what I needed to but ... nothing. I ended up just going to bed. I'm awake know thanks to my new cat. He's dramatic in the morning. For no reason. I thought too that getting a pet would help me out in this depression... it has slightly but not the way I thought. Least I'm keeping up with him and also cleaning a bit better. Again not like I want but it's a start I guess. I think at this point in my life I just want it to be my fiance and I but I highly doubt that is going to happen at this time OR ever if I wanna be dramatic. I always think too "Maybe if I would have stuck with that other job we would have been fine." I mention this because the job was simple enough and I made great money but after around my 3rd month mark it was getting to a point where I wanted to shot myself everyday... I would leave my desk for break and sit in the bathroom crying for no reason feeling like I didn't belong there at all. Wanting to just go home. The employees and staff were great, but the job it self was stressful and tacking on me. So at the end of it I didn't think the money was worth it, left and went back to my old crappy part time job... which I am grateful for that my old manager really liked me and what I did but thinking on it now makes me regret it... and I know that you can't regret things in your life that just happen but that I could have stuck it out I could have made it to march and got another position within the company and better a hell of a lot better off. But at the end too I just... have to deal with my actions. AND this is where it leads me. 6-7am in the morning, dealing with my dramatic cat, a somewhat NOW unbalanced relationship with my fiance, and me, trying to deal with me. I know when I read this over it will make no sense to anyone or even myself but it's what is on my mind at the moment and it needed to come out.